31 Things Men Can Do To Make Themselves More Attractive To Women:

APPEARANCE

1. Have long hair. Everyone knows men with short hair are naturally rebellious and over-opinionated. We don’t want that, we want men who are easily controlled.

2. Spend lots and lots and lots of time making sure you look perfect. But don’t look like you tried too hard.

3. Look hot enough all the time. You’re not being hot enough. UGH GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO UGLY

4. Have soft, exfoliated hands, kissable lips, and wear makeup. Because your natural body and face are gross and regardless of your feelings about wearing makeup honestly you’re going to look like shit without it.

5. Make sure you have firm pecs and a firm butt. AW YEAH LOVE THOSE FIRM MAN TITTIES SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE.

6. Shave everything. EVERYTHING. That’s right, even your butthole. We want you to look like a hairless little boy.

7. The natural scent of your body is rank. Cover it up.

8. If you have greater than 20% body fat, I feel fucking sorry for you because body fat is a meaningful way of characterizing a human being. You should probably do something about that.

9. You should work out, but you shouldn’t work out to actually get stronger, you should just work out to “tone” (because that’s a thing that exists in the real world). No woman wants a man who’s overly-muscley, that’s gross and it walks all over our perceptions of our own bodily strength.

CLOTHING

10. Always dress in business clothes. Always. You like wearing basketball shorts at home? Too bad. You should be dressing cute for us all the time.

11. Don’t wear the clothes that make you feel comfortable, wear the clothes that will make us spend money on you. Because everyone knows guys are shallow gold-diggers and women are basically just walking ATMs.

12. It sucks if you don’t have a perfect body (because that’s also a thing that exists in the real world). If you’re so unfortunate/lazy/pathetic as to not have a body that looks like [Insert Name of Celebrity], then you should at leastwear clothes that give you the illusion of kind of sort of starting to have a body that looks like [Insert Name of Celebrity].

13. Wear thongs. So having a piece of cloth shoved up your ass-crack doesn’t make you feel sexy? Too bad, we like it.

PERSONALITY

14. Be nice to everyone all the time no matter what. No woman is going to want a guy who isn’t constantly friendly to everyone no matter how people talk to or treat him. Know your role.

15. Smile. Keep smiling. Always smile. WHY AREN’T YOU SMILING?!

16. Don’t take yourself seriously. You aren’t worth taking seriously, after all.

17. Don’t have your own personality. If you’re a serious person or someone who worries a lot, fuck off, we don’t have time for that. All guys are supposed to be bubbly and warm and it’s off-putting when you’re not.

18. Act like a playful little kid. Because acting like a grown adult makes us feel like there’s nothing for us to take care of or control.

19. Don’t get emotional. You’re not allowed to have emotions.

20. Be confident all the time. Fuck your insecurities, we don’t care.

21. Don’t get in our faces. Be subtle. Don’t be boisterous. If you have an outgoing personality or strong opinions, stuff it down, we hate that shit.

22. Be social, even if you’re an introvert and it makes you miserable.

23. Stop being dramatic. God, guys are so fucking dramatic all the time.

BRAIN STUFF

24. Realize that you have no valid reason to complain about anything ever. So don’t complain.

25. Be our arm candy. God knows no one cares what you have to say, and women aren’t going to judge you by your intellect.

LIFE STUFF

26. Don’t have a life history, or don’t share it with women. Basically, pretend you got amnesia right before you met us. We don’t want you to have a life that existed before you met us. WE are your life now, got that straight?

27. Don’t make decisions for yourself, let us make them for you. We call this “letting us take the lead.” Because we know what’s best for you.

28. Don’t talk about work with us. Just pretend those eight hours five days a week don’t happen. We don’t want to know.

29. Don’t enjoy alcohol. I mean, we can, but you can’t. You’re supposed to take care of us while we puke and get hungover.

30. If you have family issues, don’t bring it to the relationship. Just stuff that way, way down, out of our sight.

31. You should want things but you shouldn’t need anything. If you need someone, you’re SOL. You aren’t allowed to have needs.